I’m sure we have all had these moments; the times when you question the direction of your life and everything in it. I have experienced this feeling many times before throughout my life but today, at age 30, it has overwhelmed me. It is a feeling of tiredness, unease and even some regret for time that I feel I wasted. Frankly, I am embarrassed to publicly expose such personal thoughts but this feeling has taken me over today and it is helpful to write it down. As someone who is guarded and unsure of herself, this post is the hardest to write. It is easier to talk about “10 Tips for a More Healthy You” or “Fall Fashion Tips” but that’s not all there is to life. Life is not just Pinterest albums and happy social media photos. There are some days when it is really hard; not just in terms of being a mom but just in general. Life can be hard.
For the last few weeks, I became absorbed in a Netflix show, watching it on my phone while laying beside my daughter (the only way to get her to sleep). After finishing the season (OK 4 seasons), it really made me start questioning where I want to be in my life and what I want to be doing. The characters made me question the types of relationships I want to have in my life and quite frankly, how I want to spend the rest of my life. It may seem silly that a television show could spark such deep thinking but maybe it was there all along and this show made me stare right at it.
This is not some Eat Pray Love bullshit. I’m not trying to pack up and go to Thailand or India (but who knows, maybe that’s the answer). It just made me question, on a very fundamental level, what I want my life to look like. I don’t have an answer. I’m not unhappy and I actually feel guilty putting this out there. I think that I have allowed my life to roll out as it came and maybe I don’t completely have the life I intended. There wasn’t much intention behind my choices; it just happened the way it happened. A lack of honesty with myself and buying into what would make me happy may have brought me to this point of unease. I’m not sure.
In fairness, I have always been slightly restless and never have been quite happy with wherever I am; I always think that there is something or somewhere better. However, this time feels different deliberate; I don’t want to make a change just to make a change as I have done in the past. I want to live a life that is designed by myself (with intention) and not by events or people who have happened to come along the way.
This post doesn’t have any answers. I’m sorry about that. If you made it here, it may be because you’re experiencing some similar feelings. However, at minimum, I would just like you to know that I understand. We’ll see where these “change of course thoughts” take me…..